by Cecilia Davis
When we think of grief, we usually associate it with death—the loss of a loved one, a tragic accident, or terminal illness. And while that form of grief is real and profound, it’s far from the only kind.
There are quieter, often unspoken forms of grief that don’t come with funerals or sympathy cards. These forms are just as valid—but less likely to be acknowledged by others, or even by ourselves.
One of these is the grief that comes from unmet childhood needs. Another is the grief of having to set boundaries with people you love.
Grieving What You Didn't Receive
Many people don’t realize they’re grieving parts of their childhood until much later in life. That was my experience. As an adult, I began to look back on my younger years with clearer eyes—and what I saw wasn’t just memories, but emotional voids.
I remembered being bullied at school, or feeling unsafe in a neighborhood that was foreign to me. I remembered coming home needing comfort, only to find parents who, while doing their best, were overwhelmed—immigrants navigating a new country and a new life after divorce.
I now understand the stress they were under. My adult brain can rationalize the circumstances. But my inner child still remembers how alone and unsupported those moments felt.
This is the grief of not having your emotional needs met. The need for safety. The need for stability. The need to be seen, soothed, and supported. These are foundational human needs—and when they’re not met, a part of us mourns, even if we don’t have the language for it at the time.
The Grief of Setting Boundaries
Another overlooked form of grief is the pain that comes with setting boundaries—especially with people we care deeply about.
Sometimes, protecting our mental health requires taking space from a parent, a sibling, or a close friend. It may mean pausing contact, stopping regular visits, or in some cases, cutting ties altogether.
These decisions don’t come easily. And while they are often made in the name of healing, they can still leave us feeling lonely, guilty, or conflicted.
To make things harder, society often doesn’t understand. You may hear things like:
- “But they’re family!”
- “You’re being selfish.”
- “You’re not perfect either.”
- “They only act that way because they love you.”
These responses can invalidate your pain and create shame around the steps you're taking to protect your well-being. But here's the truth: setting boundaries is not an act of cruelty—it's an act of courage.
Healing Through Honoring Your Grief
Allowing yourself to grieve these experiences is not weakness—it’s healing in motion.
Grieving unmet childhood needs validates your inner child. It tells that part of you: I see you now. I’m here for you.
Grieving the loss that comes with boundaries reminds you that even hard, healthy choices come with emotional complexity.
Seeking therapy, reflecting on these wounds, and making empowered decisions about your relationships are signs of growth. They mark a shift: from surviving to healing, from self-blame to self-compassion.
And most importantly, they send a message to your mind and body that you are now creating the safe, nurturing environment you always deserved.
A Final Note
Grief may still show up from time to time. You might still long for the connection that never came, or wish things could have been different. That’s okay.
Let grief come. Let it sit beside you. Let it remind you that your pain has a story, and your story deserves to be heard.
You are allowed to grieve losses that have nothing to do with death.
And you are allowed to heal in your own time, in your own way.
If you're navigating complex emotions related to childhood experiences or relationship boundaries, know that you're not alone. Talking to a licensed therapist can help you process these forms of grief and build a path toward healing and self-trust. Contact me to begin your journey!
Photo by Cristofer Maximilian on Unsplash